PTSD??? Post I wrote on PTSD forum… Do I have it?

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Hello all.  My name is Amy and I am a 36 year old mother of two wonderful little boys.  My oldest is 11 and has been sick all of his life.  He got a trach when he was 3 months old and was put on a ventilator at age 2.  We have spent most of our time in and out of hospitals over the last almost 12 years.  When asked what is his prognosis, the doctors said that they didn’t know… that he shouldn’t still be alive now. 

    I have done CPR on him 5-6 times at home, almost all of which I was alone with him.  I can still remember the way he looked and the intense fear that went thru me that I was going to be there alone and watch him die right in front of me if I didn’t save him.  I avoid talking about it and even right now I have started crying and feel anxious just writting this.  I have started a book that I would really like to get finished.  My youngest son has ADHD and his therapist said he thinks that I could have PTSD.   I have been avoiding getting help for it because I don’t want to talk about the things that I know they are going to want to talk about.  I do my best to ignore those thoughts when they come in to my head.

    I have trouble sleeping, concentrating and I am always worried and feel that I have to be “on guard” to make sure that he is ok.  He has nursing in the home 16 hours a day and I sometimes have a hard time letting the nurses take care of him to the point where I lie awake all night (or until 5 am) listening to make sure he is ok.  I cry if you just look at me.  Sad or happy things either one make me ball like a baby. 

    I divorced their father because he was very mean.  He was abusive to me.  He called me names, threatened to kill me and was just plain nasty.  There is NO ONE in the world that knows what I have been thru with my son.  NO ONE knows how much it hurts to watch him suffer and not be able to fix it. 

    I decided to look up PTSD tonight and take a quiz.  I answered yes to 17 of 22 questions and was sent here.  I am not glad that anyone else suffers from this but I am glad to know that I am not alone.  I want to be happy.  I want to truly enjoy the wonderful man that I have in my life now and be the woman that he deserves.  I don’t want to cry just because.  I don’t want to be irritable anymore and then feel horrible for it afterwards.  I want to feel as strong as everyone keeps telling me that I am.  I want to know how special I am to have made it this far.  Thanks for “listening”. 

Come see him if you would like…. He truly is amazing.  :-)  Jamie’s Page

Amy

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